


Similar souls, sharing the cold

by Mollz



Series: The Monsters in Our Mirrors [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-26
Updated: 2012-07-26
Packaged: 2017-11-10 18:06:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mollz/pseuds/Mollz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's getting harder to take off the suit. Tony knows who Iron Man is...but he's still having trouble with who Tony Stark is supposed to be.</p><p>What else is there to do but hide away in the snow for a while?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's been a while (since I could look at myself straight)

It’s getting harder and harder to take the suit off.

Inside the suit, Tony knows who he is. He’s Iron Man, a super hero, protector of New York, member of the Avengers. His one job, his only job, is to fight. It’s so simple.

Outside of the suit, everything is more complicated. Now, he’s Tony Stark, billionaire philanthropist genius alcoholic and so much more. Words don’t fit him. They swirl around him and slide off him. Undeserved. For him, it’s complicated. Not like the others.

Steve Rodgers is the original hero, and a flag-waving pie-eating patriot. He bleeds love and farts puppies. The epitome of do-no-wrong.

Thor is a god, a real god, and a king, now. He’s a good man, too, and loveable, and strong. And even though he’s a little angry and obtuse, he could never be confused for evil. Never.

Bruce Banner is the nicest person Tony has ever met, and even the haunting look of guilt Tony sometimes catches in his eyes betrays his humanity. It’s almost sickening how much he cares. Too damn human for this job.

And then there’s Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov. Admittedly, he knows less about them. But they’ve never done anything to make him think they’re less than trustworthy. They’re spies, but they’re also part of the team. And they’re on top of everything. Unsinkable.

But Tony Stark? Tony doesn’t know where he belongs in all that. Because he’s not a good person. And nobody seems to be willing to face that.

Nobody but him.

So every few months, when it gets to him, he takes a vacation. He leaves a few notes, sends Pepper an email, and just _goes_. He doesn’t say where. They know how to contact him.

He finds himself somewhere cold. European, maybe. Not Russia, but could be Finland, or Norway, or Sweden. He’s stopped paying attention.

He doesn’t usually go for cold, but that just means he’ll be harder to find. They’ll look for him on beaches. Not here.

He doesn’t drink, for once. There’s no point to it. Drinking just drowns out the angry screaming, and he came here to listen to it for a while. To feel like shit for a while. Because that’s what he needs. He’s afraid if he ever ignores it for too long, he’ll go back to the way he was. It would be so easy to go back to the way he was.

Every night, he sits on a rooftop in a heavy coat and watches the snow fall. In another life it would be so pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Been a While, by Stained


	2. The worst things in life come free to us

He had only been away three days. The vacations usually lasted for five before he left. But it had only been three, and they’d already found him. A familiar redhead sat down next to him on the rooftop.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, trying to find his usual venom. It didn’t hold. He just sounded upset, like a child.

“Beautiful night.” She said.

“What are you doing here?” He asked again.

“Came to check on you.” She said.

“I’m not a child.” He said, angrily.

“I never said you were.” She said evenly.

They sat in silence for a moment, stubbornly.

“Why are you here?” She asked.

“Fancied a breath of fresh air.” He said.

“Tony.” She said. She didn’t look at him, just said his name. Calling him out on it.

“Needed to think. Needed to be alone. I guess I’m not allowed that anymore.”

“You make yourself miserable, don’t you?” She asked softly.

Tony is caught off guard by that. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He said. “I’m awesome. I’m amazing. I’m Tony Stark.”

“You’re sitting on a rooftop in Finland.” She said.

“Point.” He said, sighing.

“Miserable.” She said.

“Fine, I’m miserable. Happy?”

“No.” She said. She still wasn’t looking at him, just staring into the distance.

There was another long, awkward silence.

“Why are you miserable, Tony?” She asked him.

“Why not?” He asked sharply. He didn’t like being opened up. When people started trying to get inside  him, his first instinct was to shove them away like they were burning him. “You think my life is so fantastic I can’t get a little sad every once in a while?”

“You’re pushing now.” She told him. “What do you think I’m going to do? Laugh at you? I’ve never thought myself quite that mean. Yes, everyone has reasons to be miserable. I was asking specifically, though.”

Tony swallowed and took a few deep breaths. She was asking him to be open. Why should he tell her?

And then this little voice that sounded alarmingly like Steve Rodgers was saying _we should trust our teammates, you have to learn to trust people_

“It’s ridiculous.” He said, before he could think twice about stopping it. “It’s just ridiculous. Everyone thinks I’m a fucking hero. You were right, what you wrote on my report. I shouldn’t be on the team.”

“The million people you saved from a nuke disagree.” She said, her mouth turning up a little in a smile.

“That wasn’t…That’s not what I meant.” He snapped. “Oh, never mind. Forget it.”

 “No, keep going.” She said. “Why aren’t you a hero, Stark?”

He bristled at the use of his surname. “This is going on my SHIELD psych evaluation, isn’t it?” He asked.

“No.” She said. “Avengers honor. It’s between you and me and this freezing roof.”

He took a few more deep breaths. He tensed for a moment, and then let himself open up.

“Merchant of death.” He said bitterly.

Natasha exhaled, long and slow. She understood.

“And people think I’ve changed.” He continued, before she could say anything, because he needed to get it out now, needed her to understand. “I haven’t changed. I haven’t…reformed or whatever. I’m the same damn person, I’m just as terrible, I could go back to that in the blink of an eye, just so easily, go back to the way I was and build enough weapons to destroy the world a hundred times over. I could kill everyone. And Steve and Bruce and everybody are just so _trusting_ , and they don’t _know_. They think I’m like them.”

“Then why don’t you?” She asked. “Why are you still trying to be good?”

“Because I’m _selfish._ ” He spat. “Oh my god, Natasha, I am so fucking selfish. I stopped because all of a sudden the weapons were hurting _me_ , it didn’t matter that everyone else was dying but when it started hurting me, oh no, that’s gotta stop. And now, I just, I just need people to worship me, to think I’m amazing and brilliant, and this is doing it for me, for now. But someday that’s not going to be enough. Someday I’m gonna be the villain you guys are fighting. Do you understand? I could do it, too. There’s _darkness_ inside me. I’m _bad._ ”

Natasha laughed, then, a cold sound. Her arms are wrapped around herself, like a hug, or like she was trying to keep her insides in.

“Do you know what I was, before I was a SHEILD agent?” She asked him.

“No.” He said.

“I was an assassin.” She said. “KGB. I was the best assassin they had.”

“Wow.” He said. He really hadn’t known that.

“Clint was sent to kill me.” She said. “He made a different call. And now I work for SHEILD.”

He didn’t say anything. He just waited for her to continue.

“Nothing’s changed.” She said. “I still kill people. I just kill different people now.”

“Yeah?” It wasn’t really a question, he just needed to make some sound of reaction.

“Yeah.” She said softly.

Things are quiet for a long time, and she finally turns to look at him, and he’s looking at her.

“I’m pretty fucked up, you know.” Tony said.

“Takes a lot to beat me.” Natasha told him.

And then they were kissing.

It was soft, and sweet, chaste even. Testing the waters. They both pulled back, uncertain.

“I thought…Clint…” Tony said.

“Just partners.” She said. “Pepper?”

“Months ago.” He told her. “Are you sure?”

“Not at all.” She said.

So they kissed again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The A Team by Ed Sheeran


End file.
